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J’s always known he wanted to be a firefighter, so you could say that I married into the fire service. He’s a fourth generation and I knew early on I was in for a crazy ride. I mean, how many families swap gory stories over the dinner table? Being a firefighter’s wife isn’t the easiest thing to do. In fact, firefighters have one of the highest divorce rates of any profession. I’ve heard it’s something like three times higher than the general population. THREE TIMES. This is a hard life. Between work, overtime and extra jobs, J and I probably spend as much, if not more, time apart than together. It’s easy to get comfortable living two completely different lives and if we’re not careful, it can really sneak up on you.
Someone recently asked me if I had any advice for a firefighter wife-to-be that she could share at a friend’s bridal shower. There are some days where I feel like J and I have been together forever and I found that I had quite a bit to say on the subject. So I thought I’d share some of it here. I am by no means an expert and we don’t have the perfect marriage, but J and I have been together for quite a while, so I hope I have a little bit of insight to pass along:
1. Embrace the shift days. Instead of spending every shift day you’re apart moping around and feeling alone, take that time to do things that make you feel good. Pick those nights for girls nights, watch those chick flicks he can’t stand, pick up new hobbies you’ve always wanted to try, read a book, etc. That way, when he’s home, you can focus on him and do things together as a couple and you’ll have the perfect balance of both. In the same way, when you’re husband’s at work, he’s actually working and living with a bunch of other people. So be understanding when he comes home and needs some time to decompress or wants to have a guy’s night. He hasn’t had that same time to himself that you’ve had.
2. Create your own traditions. This is one of the few lines of work where there are no off days for holidays or special occasions. Birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, Thanksgiving….all of them will fall on shift days at some point. Don’t get wrapped up in the date itself. Christmas does not have to be celebrated on December 25th. Christmas Eve or even the day after Christmas can be made just as special. If he’s working on a holiday, stop by the station and join in on whatever they’re doing that day or make your own special tradition for those holiday shifts.
3. Educate your families. Since J grew up in the fire service, his family knows what a firefighter’s schedule is like. My mom has also been very understanding and flexible when it comes to our lives. But I know that not everyone’s families get it as easily. There will always be family events he can’t attend and traveling will always be dependent on how many people will already be on vacation (seniority always rules) or whether he can find someone else to trade shifts with. It’s just a part of the job, but you may have to remind your family every now and again.
4. Be social. Being a firefighter wife can be a lonely deal. You’re home all alone on shift days, crawling into an empty bed at night while everyone else is out having fun. I get it. The thought of going on a group date solo just gives me flashbacks to being the third wheel in high school. Step out of your comfort zone (and out of the house) and go anyway. Surround yourself with people who will encourage you to come out with them on date night and who won’t make you feel awkward for doing so. Those will also be the people who will know when you’re alone on Christmas and invite you over to join them for the day.
5. Let it go. This job is messy. J and I had only been married for about a year or so when he went on probably the worst run he’s ever had. I won’t go into details, but let’s just say it was pretty tragic and it involved a child who was about the same age as our niece at the time. J was wrecked and it took me quite a while to get over the fact that he was choosing not to tell me about the call, his emotions and, well, everything. But the fact is that your firefighter will see things or be in situations that you never thought could happen. Some of it he’ll choose to share with you. Some of it he won’t. You’re his wife and he may not want to burden you with the things he sees or remind you of the real dangers of the job. Honestly, as fire wives, there are just some details we don’t need to know in order to be loving, supportive wives not paralyzed with fear of the job. In these situations, just be his comfort. Even though you won’t know the details, just be there for him, hold him and reassure him about how much you love him. Encourage him that, if he won’t talk to you about it, he at least will talk to someone. And then be okay when that someone isn’t you.
6. Don’t be too sensitive. When your firefighter has just spent 24 hours at the fire station, he may come home and talk to you like you’re one of the guys. He won’t realize that his way of giving a helpful tip to one of his fellow firefighters may come across as criticism to his wife, or that his boisterousness can seem like arguing, even when he’s not. It will take some time for him to get into the habit of switching from work mode to husband mode, so be understanding and give him some grace.
7. Speaking of work mode, it’s weird. And sexy. But weird. So just roll with it. J and I and a group of our friends were coming back from a youth trip when we discovered smoke in the church. Although it ended up not being anything serious, it was the first time I’d ever seen J in action. It was like a switch flipped inside him and he was different, focused and all business. It happens all the time, even when he’s off the clock. I can’t even tell you how many times we’ve been driving along and all of a sudden he’s yanking the car over because he saw an accident on the side of the road that I was oblivious to. It’s like he has a radar for emergencies and once he finds one, he can focus on it in an instant.
8. Be flexible. Full-time, part-time or volunteer, any of those roles require flexibility on your part. When J and I were dating, he was on a local volunteer fire department. I started stashing a book or two in his car so that if a call ever came in while we were out together, I could occupy myself at the fire station. Calls can take anywhere from a few minutes to hours, and I found myself taking a nap out of sheer boredom on several occasions. Even a “regular” schedule can be thrown off if a call comes in just before he gets off shift. J once kept me waiting at a restaurant for at least a good hour on a date night when he caught a run just before his shift was over. I’m sure our waiter thought I was getting stood up – I kept promising that my husband was going to show up. I made J come right in with his uniform on to prove he had a valid reason for keeping me waiting.
9. Do what you can to let him go to work on a good note. It’s not just about not going to bed angry. Your firefighter will be in all sorts of life and death situations that require every bit of focus he has. Any time spent focusing on an unresolved argument you had before he left for work is time he’s not spending focusing on his job.
10. Ignore the drama llama. The firehouse can be a magnet for drama. It’s no surprise – it’s a bunch of people living together on a regular basis. There’s personality conflicts, disagreements on the job and high stress situations. It’s like family…you love them, but you don’t always get to pick them either. Add in some city politics and it’s a party. Try not to get too wrapped up in it, because it can quickly become all you think about and it’ll really sour your perspective of the job and the people he works with.
11. Keep Christ at the center. I get that not everyone is a believer and follower of Christ, but I firmly believe that having a marriage with a solid foundation of faith means that you’re continually serving, respecting and looking for ways to better your spouse. It doesn’t make everything perfect by any means, but it gives your marriage an anchor to cling to in times of trouble.
12. Be proud of your hero. And tell him so often. Enough said.
By the way, today is our eighth wedding anniversary. Happy Anniversary, babe!
J and me in high school way back in 2001. Look at us – we were just babies!
What an awesome post! So beautifully written. I appreciate all the guidance and advice you have offered to me through the years of being a firefighters wife. I agree about the jumping into action it’s weird but sexy! Miss you friend!