When life hands you a miracle | Pregnancy after loss

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Trigger warning: pregnancy loss/miscarriage
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When we got that positive pregnancy test this past spring, my surprise and joy were quickly overshadowed by fear. I believe that miscarriage marks your heart forever. The effects of pregnancy loss don’t just go away with subsequent, viable pregnancies or if you have a family full of little ones to be thankful for already. So when I went to that first ultrasound appointment, I was a nervous wreck. It was a shift day, of course, so I went alone. Wondering how it would feel to see a little baby pop up on that screen…or how hard it would be to learn – alone – that I was no longer pregnant.

Blighted ovum. This is a term I had never heard before until I went home and looked up what it meant to have an empty sac show up on the ultrasound. My doctor spent several moments looking at every angle and still – there was nothing. I’m sorry, she said. Sometimes this happens. She offered me the opportunity to return the next day to another office location. The ultrasound machine there is a little better. Once we’ve confirmed that there’s no baby, we can talk about what you’d like to do.

I’ve had enough ultrasounds to know when something clearly doesn’t look right. I knew the second the image came up on the screen – before my doctor even said anything. There was no baby. I called Jamie to let him know what happened and proceeded to cry in the car for the next hour on the way home. I spent the rest of the day texting some of my nearest and dearest friends asking them to pray for us over the next 24 hours. For what? At the very least, comfort and strength for what I knew would follow. And at the most – a miracle.

The next day, Jamie and I headed into that appointment expecting to see exactly what I had the day before. My doctor was unavailable due to a delivery, so we met with the ultrasound tech instead. I couldn’t look at the screen and instead opted to dig my nails into the palms of my hands, praying for there to be a baby.

There it is, she told us. Your baby has a strong heartbeat too!

Tucked away in a teeny corner of the sac was our baby. Her heartbeat just a small flicker here and there on the screen. Our sweet baby. One that was already so loved and prayed for by so many.

If you’re not a believer in miracles, that’s okay. I get that this can be explained away by the quality of equipment or the expertise of whoever is doing the ultrasound. But in my heart, I believe there was nothing there. My doctor believed it too, seemingly only offering a second look as confirmation before going over our options. This baby? She is so incredibly special.

Jamie mentioned the other day how different this pregnancy has been for me. Not really because we’re expecting a girl or because I’ve been around the block a couple times already when it comes to motherhood. It’s more because I’m not letting my fear steal my joy this time. I lived in fear my whole pregnancy with Liam. And this pregnancy? Every day has been a gift. That’s not to say that I don’t deal with pregnancy anxiety and all the what-ifs. I do and very much so. But I’ve also found more peace this time around. Each kick is something to be thankful for, especially when six months ago, I didn’t think I’d be sitting here feeling them.

This sweet baby girl. The one who’s already surprised us in so many ways. We are so ready to meet her.